All secrets become deep, all secrets become dark
Updated: Nov 19, 2019
There is something about trauma... It is deep and it is dark. It doesn't follow any rules and it cripples you when you least expect it.
Canada was my moment. Being among my tribe and basking in the vibe of a creative collective... But I didnt make it. Instead the door was slammed in my face. I was left naked and afraid for hours. I was searched by people I did not know, nor did I give them permission to touch me.
And that is what brought back demons that I had shoved in a locked closet behind a really heavy piece of furniture.
It wasn't an immediate thing, it was a few days after I got home. In the safety of my own house, with my amazing kiddos, and their dad. Sitting in front of my laptop to export the art I created in St. Louis and Indianapolis that the polarizing fear swept over my entire body. For 3 days I was numb and exhausted... For 3 days I could barely eat and didnt sleep -despite being exhausted.
For 3 days, I could not put into words what I was going through in the deepest recesses of my brain. And then it hit me... I can capture it in a portrait... And so I did.
Completely vulnerable... And alone... I was nothing - no one
Scared... Would this situation be fixed. Would I ever get to go home?
Lonely... 15 minute phone calls every 3-4 hours ... I was longing for the comfort of my husbands arms...